Trigger warning: This article discusses sexual assault, trauma reactions and victim-blaming.
I had an orgasm when I was sexually assaulted. Is that something that happens? Does it mean I actually wanted it on some level?
We believe you, and are so sorry that this happened to you. What happened was not your fault, and you could not have done anything to deserve it. If you haven’t already, we hope you talk to someone about what happened, and are getting the care you need. Having an orgasm does NOT mean that you wanted or secretly liked being assaulted. Physical arousal (like having an orgasm, getting an erection or getting wet) is a physiological reaction you cannot control.
Yes, it is possible (and actually not uncommon) to have an orgasm during a sexual assault. However, this does NOT mean that you wanted to be sexually assaulted.
It does not make the assault any less serious, or any less of an assault. It does not mean that you secretly liked being assaulted.
The statistics about having an orgasm during an assault vary, partly because so many survivors do not disclose that they had an orgasm. Estimates of survivors who orgasmed during their assault range from 4% to over 50%. Around 1 in 5 women said that they had a “physical response” to their assaults. You are not the only person whose body reacted to being assaulted in this way, and you are not the only person to feel confused or ashamed about it.
While orgasm is often described as the “climax” of sexual pleasure, that is not always the case.
Having an orgasm is a physiological response that you cannot control, just like you can’t control your breathing or digestion. For many people, if their body is stimulated in a specific way for long enough (whether they have a penis or a clitoris), they will have an orgasm—even if they are scared, overwhelmed, in pain, don’t want what’s happening, or feel disconnected from their body.
Think about tickling. Being tickled can be fun under the right circumstances, and feel awful in other cases. Either way, it can be hard or impossible to stop laughing. Laughter doesn’t mean that you actually like or want to be tickled—it’s just the way your body reacts.
This article goes into more detail about the mechanisms behind physical arousal and sexual assault. As a warning, it begins with the journalist describing their own experience.
Physical signs of arousal are NEVER consent.
This includes having an orgasm, getting an erection (getting hard), getting wet, or feeling aroused. Consent has to be enthusiastic and specific. Silence is not consent; going into a room alone with someone is not consent; doing something once is not consent to do it again in the future; doing one sex act is not consent to a different sex act. Learn more about consent.
While it’s not uncommon for victims of sexual assault to have an orgasm, it is very common for survivors to feel guilt, shame and/or confusion if they did.
Already, society often blames the survivor for what happened to them—saying it wasn’t really sexual assault, that the survivor “wanted it,” that if it was “really” sexual assault they would have done X, Y, or Z. Even if you know in your head that you were assaulted and it wasn’t your fault, this can still create feelings of shame or self-blame. In addition, you may experience trauma symptoms like flashbacks, feeling constantly irritable or on edge, having trouble sleeping, or thinking that the world is a scary or dangerous place. These are normal reactions to an abnormal event, but you shouldn’t try to deal with them on your own. Talk to someone you trust.
Your feelings are valid.
Know that what happened (the assault and your body’s response to it) was completely outside of your control. If you haven’t already, we recommend talking to a therapist. They can create a safe space to help you process what you went through and begin to heal.
Dealing with trauma like assault takes time. Have patience with yourself. Remember that you are not alone, and did not deserve what happened to you. Practice self-care by spending time with friends and moving your body. Journal, draw, make music, dance, or express yourself in a different way that makes sense for you. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.
If you’re not sure how to find a therapist, talk to someone you trust like a counselor, teacher, family member, or medical provider. Your student health center may have free or low-cost counseling for students. You can also call the National Sexual Assault hotline at 800-656-4673 to get connected to a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area. If you’re 10-22 years old in NYC, call the Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center at (212) 423-3000 for confidential, trauma-informed health care, including therapy, at no cost to you.